Friday, July 13, 2007

How it's going

I've been fighting with this. Do I blog or not?

I made a pledge to be honest and honest I shall be.

It's hard. It's really really hard. It's wonderful and it sucks all at the same time.

The wonderful parts are obvious. Three amazing girls. The sucky parts are also obvious. The fatigue, the worry, the guilt, not enough hours or energy for one day. Blah blah.

Being on the go 24 hours a day is difficult, I cannot lie. It would help if I was in excellent shape. There's a lot of getting onto the floor. Getting up from the floor. Bending. Stooping. Racing around. I'm 36 years old. I'm a bit old for this. I will be in shape shortly, I will have you know. There's no way a person can race around this much and eat this little without shedding a pound or two. Knowing me, I won't. And we can have a little chuckle over that someday. Ahhh someday. Why aren't you now?

My children haven't gotten used to that fact that there's three of them yet. They have those huge soulful eyes and when they well up with tears because they've been made to wait for two minutes for something, it just kills me. In time, they will get used to one another and learn how to handle life with two other siblings. And I do think about that a lot. THe future. When they can talk to each other and tackle each other and drive each other crazy instead of me.

We've gotten taking care of their basic needs down pretty quickly. Everything in our house is organized to take care of the babies. There is never a wet wipe far out of reach. The bottle station is all set up with different sets and different formula for each girl's needs. The Big Girl now has a doll posse that goes everywhere she goes. They sleep at one end of the bed, she sleeps at the other.

Oh- for those of you who watch Between the Lions, you will get a chuckle out of this. Boo has a Cinderella doll. She hangs her by her hands from a shelf. Then she calls for Cliff Hanger to come rescue her. Because Cinderella and Cliff Hanger are getting married!

For the most part, everything is running quite smoothly. Our house now resembles the orphanage Juna came from. All cribs and toys and bottle station and children everywhere. My super sleek red couches are now covered in.. what IS that? Ahhh home sweet hell.

I joke. I joke because if I don't, I will tear out all my hair and run naked through the streets of Downtown. I joke so I'm not tomorrow's top news story.

The struggle I'm having is with my emotions. I have constant Mom Guilt that I'm not doing enough for each child. That each one isn't getting enough individualized attention. That we did Juna a disservice by adopting her. Oh yes, my mind has gone so far as to wonder if she was better off in the orphanage! I know, it's crazy. I just lack confidence right now. I feel like Juna thinks she went from one orphanage to another. Would she have had a better life with a family with no other children? The amount of times I've had to say, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" to her is unreal.

Just what am I sorry for? We gave her a small, but comfortable home. There are toys everywhere, I swear, the toys! We gave her an endless supply of food, love, comfort, and SISTERS. Why do I feel so badly for her?

I can't help the emotions and the questions and the doubt.

Am I mom enough for all these girls?

The sleep issue, for all of us, is not good. Avie must be cutting every single tooth at once. And she's a screamer. Man can that little preemie let out a wail. June Bug is still scared to fall asleep at night. And who can blame her, with a wailing banshee in the next crib? Pats on the back seem to work. But mom and dad have to sleep SOMETIME.

When I get the chance to sleep, I can't. I cannot shut off my brain. Typical.

I also have not left the house with the babies yet. We are going to try this weekend. I am not confident enough to do it alone. Yet I have to get Juna used to her car seat and being on the go from time to time.

In time, right?

The rewards? Today June Bug pulled at my hair. I made a mock, "AHHH" sound. She reached forward and hugged me. Hugged me. Oh it was precious. She is also starting to say Mama. And when Matt comes home from work, she reaches for him with a big smile. She is also starting to say Ba ba.

Also today, Avie got up on all fours and rocked back and forth. She's trying so hard so crawl. She'll be seven months old in a few weeks, five months adjusted for prematurity. She watches Juna and copies her sounds and movements.

And Miss Boo? She makes me laugh so hard, my sides ache. My comic relief, that girl. She really helps me get through the day with a smile on my face.

When I get down, I think of three special friends of mine who are currently in fertility treatment/domestic adopting. They are my strength right now to quit whining and be strong and look at the good, not obsess on the fatigue and the worry and Mama Guilt.

Two months from now, I want to look back on this post and just laugh because we conquered this phase and lived to laugh about it.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I hope I have gotten it across clearly in this post. I'm so thrilled we did this. But I'm not so far gone that I think it's a cake walk. Mmmm cake.... I also know that this adjustment phase, while trying, will end eventually. I just wanted to get it out there so I can remember this time. Since I can barely remember my own name. It's so good to have it documented. And I wanted people reading this to know what it's really like in our unique situation.

This is the Adjustment Phase. We're adjusting.


Julie said...

with only two I feel my day is constant... did you feel that way for the breif time of only two? The plus side is that taking care of my newborn is easier than chasing the toddler :P

Julie said...

I totally relate with mom guilt, nosleep, busy days, not eating, etc.... time will help and you are right adjusting is happening which is good :)

Julie said...

...hahaha "must....hold....on...." cute cliff hanger

Shannon said...

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

I don't know about you... but when I have difficult situations I have to adjust to, first I try to remember that every minute that goes by, is one more minute towards adjustment. Even if it crawls by. Even if the day crawls by. It's still one more day towards the situation feeling more normal and better.

Also, do you ever feel like it's a start up Carousal? You know how if you just start them up, with music, it's all slow and warped sounding.... then as it picks up steam, everything starts falling into place? And everything goes faster and faster?
Well, that's how I feel about it. It's like the days start off so slowly, but then as you get more days under your belt, times seems to go a little faster and the days seem to get a little better.

Katie said...

Yikes - I can only imagine. I will get easier. It has to. Plus - I know you are already getting good at being a mother to 3. Maybe if you could get past the guilt you would see that things are going a bit better for all 3 girls than you are letting yourself believe. That guilt is a tough one though. I have it as well. And I have 1 child. Shannon is right - each day you are closer the day when you suddenly feel all is going well. Hang in there! Talk soon